I came 2nd runner up at Area Level Humorous speech Toastmasters contest with following speech which I changed around 90% from the last humorous speech which was at club level. It was a great learning experience humorous speech is all about timing, expressions and how you deliver.
PS: Please note that whatever written is not 100% accurate as I added many things to make it humorous like age I’m not 32 yet etc, enjoy the speech.
Title : 32 and Single
“Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant, I’m getting just AWESOME”
Contest Chair, Fellow Toastmasters and Esteemed guest.
I was sitting in my office cubicle, peacefully working, when she came one of my colleagues came to me and asked “Rajesh, what’s the matter with you? All of a sudden you have turned all prim and proper… you come to office in formal wear. Are you trying to impress someone? The new girls, I think”. I said “No, there is no particular reason to wear formals, I was fed up wearing casuals so, I decided to shift to formals” then she said “No, this can’t be the reason, you are trying to hit on someone, who is it? just tell me?” I said “No I’m not trying to impress anyone, I’m wearing formals just like that…please trust me (and go away)” and She said “You are now 32 and you don’t have girlfriend, and still not trying to hit on anyone…… is everything okay….?” I shouted “No…….there is no problem” then she said are you sure? I said “are you sure…. Are you sure? What do you mean by are you sure…. what makes you think so…..I’m single by choice and if I ever get a chance then I will show my best manly performance”
Ever since I turned 32, it seems like whole world has turned after me to sell off my single bed and buy double bed. Consider this my dad travelled all the way from Nepal to Kolkata, just to check if everything is okay with me, after I turned down 15th marriage proposal sent by him. He said “Son, I’m coming to Kolkata” I said “you have got some work?” He said it’s been a while, I just want to spent time with you” (I want to spent time with you…..) I’m never 32 and he never talked like that, You know how Army man are like, rough and tough, no display of emotions are all. He came and He stayed 10 days with me, He checked my entire phone contact list, latest dialed history and received call history, messages everything, you can imagine how worried he is that I’m still single as all the sons and daughters of our family tree is now married and many of them have children who call me and says uncle-uncle when you come back to Nepal in this Puja holidays get me an Android phone with 5 mega pixel camera and 1 GB RAM.
Ever since I turned 32 It’s not just my parents, my relatives and my dear friends, but whole world has turned after me to rent 2BHK apartment, now days wherever I go I hear only 3 rhetorical questions – whether I’m travelling, shopping, eating food in restaurant, now days even our company clients has started asking same 3 rhetorical questions, which starts with – Are you married? I humbly reply NO, and then I get 2nd inevitable question “Do you have a girl friend?” I again humbly reply NO, then I get 3rd ….one word…. deadly question… any idea…..what that could be? Well the 3rd question is “WHY?” they want to know why I’m still single and don’t have any girlfriend. I generally don’t answer to that question and just give a broad SMILE.. like I’m very happy and I’m so glad that you reminded me about my situation that I’m getting old and soon if I don’t find any girl then it’ll be too late, I don’t reply to that 3rd question but sometimes I really-really want to reply that 3rd question, with all my heart, I want to say –
I don’t have girlfriend cause I want to
- Save time.
- Sleep well.
- Don’t want to bother about missed call.
- Don’t want to worry about how I look.
- I don’t want any SMS in middle of night.
- I don’t want to recharge my phone daily.
- And I am really happy being single.
But the fact is these are all excuses of my mind to fool my heart that “all is well… all is well… there is nothing wrong in being single, you are the man and you are a very happy man” but the problem is I can no longer fool my heart, as I can now clearly see my grey hairs.. no matter how often I pluck them, they just grow up quickly, when I Pluck one grey hair, 3 of them replace it, so I thought I better not to touch them; I can no longer fool my heart as I can clearly see my receding hair lines, now I can’t even cover them with long hairs as when I keep long hair they starts falling, I have this short hair style not by choice but by compulsion.
The situation is very much similar to the story of my search of girl for getting married as after turning down 15h marriage proposal I realized that I’m single not by choice but because I don’t have any choice as all the eligible girls in Nepal gets married by the age of 23 or max by 25, and those who are left and still single, are the one who makes you feel that you better stay single no matter you are 32 or 35 and keep saying all is well… all is well.. you are the man.